tw: abuse mention I just wanted to apologize for that nasty anon, and the others I'm sure you've gotten. Abuse isn't a contest and people who think that way need help. You are so enlightening and I love your blog so much. I don't get why people keep trying to invalidate your abuse or your decision to go to lunch. Not everything is black and white, the world exists on a massive grayscale. People need to realize that the decisions you made are valid and, in no way illegitimize your experiences.

MB, you are so wonderful. Thank you. :-) <333

I don’t understand the whole “I have it worse so I’m gonna throw you out to dry” mentality.

I hate that I’m letting it get under my skin, and now I’m second guessing myself and feeling guilty for having him in my life still, although I know why I do. It’s just so hard to communicate and articulate, and I have to know that people won’t understand that. But I guess it gets me that other survivors don’t care to respect and trust that.

Your support means a lot. xx

I was sexually and physically abused by my stepfather for 4 years. I don't think some guy who you went to lunch with should be called an "abuser" for saying a few hurtful things. I am damaged beyond point of repair. I wouldn't post shit on tumblr. Also, if it were really that fucking personal, you would be public with it. Abuse is horrible and i feel like you are taking an occurrence and calling it abuse.

TW: (Sexual) Abuse

I just got home and am exhausted. I was at the SAG-AFTRA Conservatory Intensive all day. Unfortunately, I read your message when I first woke up this morning, and have been carrying it with me since.

I’ve been thinking of what to say here over and over again, and I hate that I’ve given it, and you, this much time. You don’t deserve it because of the complete lack of respect and care you’ve shown for me.

You started out your message of disrespect with not using a trigger warn. I have asked people to please be respectful of that probably over 50 times. Do I just need to stop running this blog to not get bombarded with that shit? 

Then you tell me that I shouldn’t call my long time abuser, my abuser. You think he is just “some guy I went to lunch with”? I’m sorry (not sorry), but I’ve talked about him in this space more than a handful of times, and don’t feel the need to justify my experiences to anyone, and that includes you.

When I facilitate battered women’s support groups I don’t wait until they are done and then tell them my abuse is worse. Sure, based on what they’ve said, I could say my abuse was worse. And since you want to play that game, my abuse has gone on longer than four years… but that’s not a fucking game I want to play. It’s disgusting and demoralizing. I don’t want to hurt or dismiss anyone in that way. Abuse and oppression and pain are not games, nor a competition.

Do you want me to send you the pictures I took as physical evidence of the abuse back when things were really bad and I thought maybe I should start a paper trail in case I ever decided to file charges? Do you want me to personally send you those pictures. Come off anon and gift me your email. Is that what it takes for you to lay off and provide me with some decency and respect?

Now he hasn’t touched me in over a year now, The worst of the abuse was when we lived together, and I know I’ll never go back there. Is the current struggle I’m dealing with, that still leaves other kinds of scars less valid to you?

Did you know that my younger sister reads this blog, and maybe I don’t want her to read all the details. Maybe I want to be a resource and a light for people, but I don’t want to share everything. Did you know that I get harassed and threatened every day on this blog, and so for safety purpose do not really everything that happens, because it is used against me. Did you know that already happened with my rape - yes, after I talked about it, hate followers would re-tell it back to me and tell me they wanted to do the same thing. And since you want full disclosure, did you know my abuser is not the same person as my rapist. I don’t see why that matters or how it’s relevant to anything, but you seem to want to know everything, so I’m giving it to you.

I, too, feel damaged beyond the point of repair in so many ways, but I’ll be damned if I’m not still going to try. And I’m sure as hell not going to give a flying fuck about you ever again, or anyone else for that matter who tries to diminish my experiences, especially when you don’t know a damn thing about them.

what the actual fuck about the guy in the garage story- I am so impressed you didn't turn around and puke on him.

I was on the clock and was wearing a work shirt with a big company logo on it. That’s literally the only thing that stop me from doing/saying something. And I felt sick and helpless because of this -  I knew I couldn’t even look at him wrong or he’d “win” by filing a complaint or talking to my manager. I had to just keep walking, because I can lose that job even though it is shit pay.

hi, i asked yesterday why you had lunch with your abuser. i didn't mean it in a shaming, "abuse is something you let happen to you" sort of way. i'm just kind of curious, because i don't fully understand what it's like to be abused. sorry for making you uncomfortable. you don't have to reply to this.

The only thing I had to go off of from your message was “Why did you have lunch with your abuser”, that was it. You may not have meant anything by it, but with only that to go off on, that reads just as the words suggest: Why would you do something like that? And implies: comma dumbass.

I don’t think that’s something you really needed to ask. I shared what I shared was important, but I don’t think asking why was any of your business. I get that I am open with personal things for a reason, and that boundaries may be confusing for that reasons, but instead you could have asked if I was comfortable beforehand, or even just realized that if that was something I wanted to share, I probably would have.

But to answer your question, now that it’s become a thing: I went to lunch with my abuser because I was hungry. I went to lunch because my anxiety was terrible and I barely made it through work, so I needed my rock. I don’t have much in my life, so he is still my rock. He knows me better than any single other person on the planet, and probably always will. He knows how to make terrible things that terrorize me go away. Unfortunately, yesterday was not one of those days where things were good when I saw him. it was one of those days where he decided to be terrible. It was one of those days where he decided he wanted to take things out on me. It was one of those days where he was relentless and didn’t care to stop, because he didn’t care about me.

Those days are much farer and fewer in between than they used to be. But yesterday was one of those far and few between days.

I hope that satisfies your curiosity, but I am not something to be poked and prodded and used to satiate your “curiosity” for what it’s liked to be abused. Please don’t say that to anyone else ever again. You can be there for people in abusive relationships without prying because you want to know more for about their personal experience for your own benefits and intrigue. I hope you understand this.

How Not to Treat a Woman You Don’t Know Any Woman:

I was at work and taking a male electrician to the other side of the parking garage (where our storage room/employee bathrooms are located). I let him in with the key. Show him where the refrigerators are that he needs to look at. Then I go to the bathroom, and proceed to exit the storage room and head back through the parking garage, to the elevators taking me back to the store.

A man smoking in the parking garage says:

Two of you went in and only you came out.

I had no idea why he was saying this or even talking to me, so I just said yup and kept walking without missing a beat.

He replied with:

You must’ve taken care of him real well…

Four of these messages I really appreciate. One makes me uncomfortable. (hint: it&#8217;s the second to last one, and I don&#8217;t plan on answering it)
Something I want to say: I think it&#8217;s important for me to be vulnerable/open about my dealings with abuse, especially because I am a feminist that still deals with it, especially because I know people look up to me - People equate feminist with having to be superwoman. That&#8217;s not real, and that&#8217;s not me.
You don&#8217;t have to be ashamed that you are simultaneously feminist and have an abuser. I know how wrong the abuse is, but that doesn&#8217;t make me (or anyone else in similar situations) any less tangled up in it.
Someone else made the point that maybe I lost followers when I mentioned the abuse because they look down on a self-feminist who has an abuser. And I think that person was probably right&#8230; and that is so dangerous, toxic even.
Sure, people may unfollow if it&#8217;s a trigger, but I talk about rape and other triggering assaults (and also trigger warn so people don&#8217;t ever have to see that stuff if they would rather not), and don&#8217;t lose followers like this. It&#8217;s just when I mention my abusive relationship.
I&#8217;ve come to find that mentioning abuse is different kind of beast. Some people find abuse to be less forgiving because &#8220;rape is something that happens to you, and abuse is something you let happen over and over again&#8221;. &lt;&#8212; I will forever say no to that, and be there standing tall with those who are feminist and continue to deal with this pain.

Four of these messages I really appreciate. One makes me uncomfortable. (hint: it’s the second to last one, and I don’t plan on answering it)

Something I want to say: I think it’s important for me to be vulnerable/open about my dealings with abuse, especially because I am a feminist that still deals with it, especially because I know people look up to me - People equate feminist with having to be superwoman. That’s not real, and that’s not me.

You don’t have to be ashamed that you are simultaneously feminist and have an abuser. I know how wrong the abuse is, but that doesn’t make me (or anyone else in similar situations) any less tangled up in it.

Someone else made the point that maybe I lost followers when I mentioned the abuse because they look down on a self-feminist who has an abuser. And I think that person was probably right… and that is so dangerous, toxic even.

Sure, people may unfollow if it’s a trigger, but I talk about rape and other triggering assaults (and also trigger warn so people don’t ever have to see that stuff if they would rather not), and don’t lose followers like this. It’s just when I mention my abusive relationship.

I’ve come to find that mentioning abuse is different kind of beast. Some people find abuse to be less forgiving because “rape is something that happens to you, and abuse is something you let happen over and over again”. <— I will forever say no to that, and be there standing tall with those who are feminist and continue to deal with this pain.

I'm sorry people are shit. You're gorgeous and I hope tomorrow will be hella rad and if not tomorrow then sometime in the near future.

Thank you so much <333

So I definitely just lost 20 followers after mentioning my abuse. Interesting.

My abuser bought me lunch.

I didn’t thank him. I actually felt bad for not thanking him, which is absurd considering he was also abusing me the whole time.

The food wasn’t worth it. I didn’t come out even or on top. I came out lower.

You don’t thank someone for buying you food when they decide to take your day and drag it to a further hell after it was already there.

fatphrodite:

thisiswhiteculture:

you people are fuckign savages

There are people laughing in the background what the fucking fuck

I&#8217;m not surprised they&#8217;re laughing because they turned a violent assault between intimate partners&#8230; into a (racist, misogynistc) skit. They all are shit. Every last one of them. The people who planned it, the people who acted in it, the people who watched it, the people who facilitated it. All shit.

fatphrodite:

thisiswhiteculture:

you people are fuckign savages

There are people laughing in the background what the fucking fuck

I’m not surprised they’re laughing because they turned a violent assault between intimate partners… into a (racist, misogynistc) skit. They all are shit. Every last one of them. The people who planned it, the people who acted in it, the people who watched it, the people who facilitated it. All shit.

(via killer-titz)